Sometimes I look back on my life and laugh at my former self. I feel like I do not know her at all. I look back at old photos and videos, as if looking at a stranger. I can barely remember the past these days. It’s easy to get lost in the day to day in my situation, and too hard to think of fun times. However, lately, I have found that just thinking of all the things I’ve experienced, all I’ve learnt and how much I’ve changed, brings me some peace.
I was always one of those people who brought drama to myself. When I was younger, I had a few cross overs with boyfriends, I changed friendship groups rapidly, and to be honest I wasn’t very well liked. I was hot headed, judgmental and desperate for acceptance and attention. I had been bullied at school and took the stance of getting in with an insult before anyone else could, once I had left. I would change jobs constantly, often feel lost, and kick and scream for what I wanted – usually getting it, but promptly losing interest and beginning another search for my mental health fix.
I couldn’t settle, wasn’t easily pleased and felt that there was far more to life than the 9 to 5 or sitting indoors each evening watching TV.
I never wanted to be the way I was, yet I was frustrated by feeling constantly unfulfilled. I felt there was more to life.
When I reflect on my younger years, I see how lost I was. How I unnecessarily complicated my life until I had created a situation so uncomfortable that there was no escape.
I would have done that, no matter which situation I had been dealt. I would have felt dissatisfied no matter what I had got. Yet now that I am in such a complex situation that I cannot undo, I have grown as a person, seen my mistakes and now spend everyday striving to be the best version of myself I can be.
Jack propelled me into the house of mirrors, reflecting myself at every angle. The jumbled mess I had created for myself, staring back at me unrelentingly.
I have been on a voyage of many twists and turnings, and I have the battle scars to prove it. It’s still nowhere near over either. I’ve felt every single emotion possible and at times been totally caught up in them, following them without direction. However, in the past few years I have started to feel an evolution of spirit. I have started to find my way.
It would appear, in my current position, that life is not ready to give me any let up soon. It’s been ten years of test after test after test. However, I have now begun to accept my fate.
My life will not be easy. It will not be relaxing. It is going to be work, the twists will probably never be over. It’s not going to be how I thought. I won’t have the “career”. I won’t have lots of money or a fancy house. I may well never even go to a friend’s house with my entire family in tow. I may never go on a date with my husband again. The worldly attractions and distractions I desired will never be easily accessible to me.
Yet, through such a challenging circumstance, I have reached a point of surrender. I have certainly not reached my peak, and there will be many challenges ahead. But I am thankful for the wisdom I have accumulated along the way. Over time I have realised more and more that the things I used to think were important, aren't.
I am now ready to throw myself into my purpose - to fight. Fight for my son, my family and all other families in my position – both now and in the future. To learn to laugh, love and play despite my situation. To see what I do have and not what I don’t.
Most importantly, I hope that I can bring some joy to others, through the experiences I’ve had and the lessons I have learned. To raise awareness and bring real change now and in the future.